Salt and Pepper have been in use for a very long time, just how long nobody knows for sure.  The first use of pepper may have occurred in Paleolithic times.  I could easily imagine a scenario like this:   “A troglodyte family was foraging for some food when one of the members noticed some dried berries on a vine that had a very distinctive and pleasant smell.  A handful of these berries were collected and brought back to the cave where, later that evening, they were sprinkled on some Woolly Mammoth meat as it was brought off the fire spit.  Everyone was amazed at the new flavor and agreed it was a lovely addition.  They decided to call it "Pepper".

The next day another meal was prepared.  Mr. Troglodyte was so impressed with the flavor of the new Pepper berries that he added a big handful onto his portion of dinner.  Mrs. Troglodyte was furious.  She said, “Why don ’t you taste your food before covering it with Pepper?”  Mr. Troglodyte had to sleep on a different rock that night.

Everybody knows what the world’s oldest profession is.  Now you likely know what the world’s oldest kitchen argument is.  This heated debate has been going on since the dawn of time and may never be resolved.  There are no biblical verses about this because it was simply too controversial.  I think God decided to be neutral and keep it a mystery.  Others however, recklessly tackle the subject.  You can bet Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Miss Manners, and Doctor Phil are asked to adjudicate on this issue at least weekly.

My own wife has subjected me to severe tongue lashings on this same subject.  My lovely wife is a marvelous cook.  She has the ability to take on any challenge in the kitchen and triumph.  I feel very lucky for that.  I also have her sense of seasoning very finely calibrated in my taste buds to where I know exactly how much additional salt & pepper to add, even if it makes her furious that I do not go through the charade of tasting it first.  The devil is in the details and the detail that creates the problem is “season to taste”.

Once when I was in the early stages of developing my famous Thermonuclear BBQ sauce, I got a little carried away with the pepper, cayenne and Tabasco sauce. The pork ribs I cooked had my sisters howling with pain and sucking on ice cubes for hours.  I still think the fact that they had been sitting for 8 hours in the California sun may have sensitized their lips, but they still regard me as a deviant sadist in the kitchen.  I have since toned down my sauce and manage to not let my hurt feeling show if my guests do not insist on having my High-Octane version.

Another demographic issue complicates this “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” psycho-babble.  From having spoken to thousands of people at trade shows, I would estimate that women comprise only 25% of the pepper loving population, yet they do probably 75% of the cooking.  This is a recipe (forgive the pun) for a serious divergence of what “season to taste really means”.

In the most statistically probable scenario, women will prepare a mildly seasoned dish for her pepper loving mate.  He will then begin cranking the pepper mill until beads of sweat starts to form on his forehead, at which point he may look up and realize that with one more turn and he may be sleeping on the couch that night.  Men may love pepper but if they are under the age of 102, I would reckon that they hate sleeping alone just as much and have learned to be sneaky with their pepper mills.

Another truly sad scenario is one in which neither person likes pepper.  Obviously, arguing about how much pepper is applied to food is not high on their agenda.  Pray for them in church that they may find guidance.

If a woman loves pepper and her man does not (it happens) there is no problem.

There is another scenario that is almost problem-free.  This is the household in which a man does the cooking.  No heterosexual man would ever be offended if someone added an extra half pound of pepper to a steak just off the grill.  He might even give you high-fives for such a bold move.

So where does this leave the person who boldly seasons food with reckless aban don without tasting first?  You could lie to the cook by talking about some rare medical malady, or tell her that your Naturopath has prescribed pepper for sinuses.  You could try making some witty comment but that would only make a bad situation worse, and you probably do not want to alienate the cook for life.  It is best to play dumb and pretend you do not understand the problem.  Women are accustomed to men not understanding.

So what words can I offer for the chefs of the female persuasion who seethe every time their guests reach for the peppermill?  If it is not your mate or close family, just try and convince yourself that they are not accustomed to fine cooking such as yours, and simply do not know better.  Adopting a smugly superior attitude can be very handy for these types of situations.  Your spouse is another matter.  Part of his job description is to be a lightning rod for all of your frustrations and as such he has probably learned to tune you out, so extreme measures are called for.

If the situation is truly intolerable then my suggestion is to prepare the culinary equivalent of a Neutron Bomb and serve it to your hubby.  Pepper alone may not do the job.  Supplementing with garlic, finely chopped habaneras and anything else you can think of may do the trick.  Or it may not.  The amount of heat needed to make me scream in pain might be lethal for another person.  You just might scare your hubby into tasting his food before seasoning, but you must also be prepared for the possibility that he may look and grin and say “Killer”!

Some things perceived as problems simply do not have solutions.

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